Change...

For quite a while now I have from time to time suffered with anxiety. The anxiety has come in many different forms and usually follows with a spell of depression. It came into my life in 2011 after my HD diagnosis and has been on and off since then. All this time though I have been journeying with God and have seen His work within my life. I have seen so many connections with the events that have occurred and my journey with God. It is as though I have all these puzzle pieces which are coming together to form a picture of my life. This season that began in 2011 has been a tough one yet I can strongly see God's hand throughout it all.

2014 particularly has been spectacular. It has been a year of the beginning of a breakthrough. I have felt a rising sense of a volcanic eruption moving within me. I can feel great change but it is as if I am standing on a ledge of a cliff with my old life behind me and God is offering my new life to me. It has taken me all this time to walk up to the ledge and finally stand there.

Whilst praying to God this morning I spoke to Him about my anxiety that had built up so strongly lately. The anxiety is like a surging rise of panic that builds within me. Sometimes it builds over days or longer. Then one day it just bursts forth. A darkness surrounds me and I feel I drown in the fear, choking from it. In these moments I forget about God. I am just so consumed by the anxiety.

Yet this morning during my talk with God he revealed something to me in the form of pictures. It is like I am wearing a really comfortable worn pair of slippers. They are covered in holes and are falling apart but they feel so comfortable to me as I've worn them my whole life. God came into my life and He offered a new pair of slippers but these were different. He said these slippers will never get worn out, they will forever remain as new as they are now. I was in awe of this but then I looked down at my comfortable ones and felt afraid that the new ones would not feel the same. I could see how amazing the new ones were, way better than my ones! I was wary as to why God would want to give me something SO amazing for free - a free gift! Why me I thought? I took one of the old slippers off  and then another but still I did not put the new ones on. The fear was stopping me from doing so.

Then I prayed more and more insight was given. I have been so used to living in the darkness.I then saw Gollum from The Lord of the Rings sitting in his dark cave for years. I've got comfortable living in the dark, hiding from the eyes of others, enjoying not being noticed. The Lord came along though with His bright shining light and my life became illuminated before me. He wants me to step out in the light with Him and I do for a time but sometimes I return back into the familiar dark. Then the Bible verse John 3:19 came before me, "But people loved darkness instead of the Light".

The anxiety and depression are from my old life, the life I have chosen to leave behind but they return because I still return to some of my old ways, my old mindset. God wants me to fully turn away and I feel as though my life is hanging by a thread. I have left it all but one thread still remains that needs snapping!

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

During my quiet time with the Lord today whilst praying a revelation came upon me. My soul was within a room with windows. The windows were tightly shut and blackened by blinds. I could strongly feel the Holy Spirit bursting within me. I lifted the blinds and flung open the windows and a rush of wind came in filling me with such joy and love. The wind brought freshness. The room had become stagnant, foul-smelling, empty and dark. Yet as the window opened the light poured in and the air cleansed the room, washed it and purified it. My soul lavished deeply breathing in the Lord’s presence which had gushed into the room.  Inhaling His love, His joy, His peace and once again I came alive…

Praise the Lord for His revelation to me today. Daily this window needs to be opened to let the Lord come rushing in with the pure breeze of His presence. Over the weeks of this busy season I had become swept away in the sea of demands and all this while my soul became stagnant, choking in the room of darkness, disconnected from the Lord’s presence. My soul cried out yet it fell upon deaf ears as my flesh carried on performing the same monotonous tasks every day. Trapped within the flesh my soul ceases to live without the Lord...

"How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!

18 

If I would count them, they are more than the sand.

    I awake, and I am still with you"...

Breaking free...

I have praying to God and much has been revealed to my mind this morning. For some time now I have felt a stirring deep within me, a feeling of release.. Piece by piece, bit by bit God has been working inside me bringing about changes I never thought possible. I have been doing things that I would never normally do or would never have found myself doing before.

The feeling has been intensifying over the last few weeks and as I was praying and talking to God about this feeling my eye was suddenly and unusually drawn to a metal candlestick holder just to the side of where I was sitting and suddenly like a light bulb switching on I knew that was what it was... The feeling was now personified as a coil. Over the past few years my life has felt like a coil has been trapping me, holding me prisoner and all it ever did was get tighter and tighter strangling the life out of me.

Yet over this year particularly as God has worked in my life slowly the coil has released it's tightness. So very slowly that at first I did not even notice but as God has started to remove the coil from the really really tight areas I started to see the difference. Everything I have been through this year has been working together for good. God has been releasing me from the snares that had been formed in my life and now I have a picture of this great big coil that has been trapping me.

So I thank God for His work inside me!

I also wanted to add that upon reflection the word coil could mean many more things than I first thought. Coil could refer to the serpent which is known as the enemy in the Bible. I know that the enemy has had a firm grip on my life before I knew God. I also know that the coil looks very much like a DNA strand which again holds importance in my life. Since the diagnosis of the Huntington's disease gene my life has felt trapped by the results of my DNA. I know not yet what it all means but I know that God is working it all together for my good and I thank Him for this revelation this morning.

"You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand" ~Psalm 16:11

Through many dangers, toils and snares I have already come...

The song 'Amazing grace' came to mind today and as I listened to the words 'Through many dangers, toils and snares I have already come...' stirred up so much emotion in my heart... 

I prayed to God and thanked Him for all He has already got me through! It made me think of all the times I have been trapped in a snare, or battling with toils and frightened by dangers...During this year I feel as though I have had many of these times and as I grappled with fear during my Sozo I know that every time God has been victorious in each and every one of those battles! 

These past 2 and a half months I have been walking with God on bright sunny paths...He has shown me His love, His promises, His goodness and His plans for my future. The path has been smooth and I have basked in His light! 

Yet now I must walk on a rougher path, a foggy one... with toils, snares and dangers... My feet stumble on this path and Satan tries to make me fall but God is holding my hand and helps me take one step at a time. Though my journey has been slowed by this change of weather God has prepared me and is ready to help me through! He tells me to hold onto His promises! He reminds that I have already come through many of these paths before and this path is only temporary! 

Through many dangers, toils and snares

I have already come! Yes Lord I have!!! 

Freedom...

On Friday afternoon at 2.00pm I went for my Sozo session at KLC. Before going I fasted from Facebook for a week. I chose Facebook to fast from because it can take up so much time and I wanted to give my time to God...

I love using Facebook because it gives me the opportunity to keep in contact with friends far and wide, friends who live in other countries, family in other countries but sometimes it can become subconsciously a little addictive! I have a tablet so going on Facebook is very quick and easy! On the first couple of days of the fast I found myself automatically pressing the app button for Facebook or typing it in on my laptop! I couldn't believe how much of a habit it had become! 

On day 3 of the fast I began to forget entirely about Facebook. I guess to begin with part of you feels as though you are missing out on something if you are not on it. Yet as time went on I became pretty content and only missed being able to contact friends. 

So Friday came round quickly and before I knew it I was stepping through the door to my Sozo. Two wonderful ladies Jan and Sue were ready and waiting for me! As I stepped into the room and sat down there was heavy feeling in the air and I could feel it pressing deeply into me. I had come in a little flustered and nervous but as I sat in the chair I felt as though everything disappeared. I knew I was in the presence of God. Perfect peace had filled me...

My Sozo lasted for 3 hours so I would be here for quite a while explaining everything but I really wanted to describe the moment for me that changed everything. 

Jan asked me to close my eyes and I bowed my head slightly. She asked me who I felt most comfortable with, Jesus or God and I said God. She asked me what I call Him by and I said 'Abba'. We began to go through a lot of stuff, particularly family things. We started off with my father and I forgave him for his rejection. 

After a little while Jan asked me if I could see God's face and I said 'No I see only darkness and the darkness feels like panic'. I had suddenly began to feel this panic rising up in me from deep down. I felt like God was drawing it up and dragging it out of me. This panic was fear. It came about that I was in a cage with this fear and it was surrounding me everywhere. With my eyes closed I had a vivid picture of me as a little girl pop up in my mind. I was a child and I was standing in this cage trapped by fear. 

Jan said 'Would you like Jesus to rescue you from this cage Polly?' and I said 'Yes'. Then another strong picture of Jesus outside the cage and he reached out and took my hand... Something burst within me...I could feel my eyes welling and I just starting uncontrollably crying... 

Bearing in mind that I never cry in front of anybody. I always like to keep all my emotions to myself. I was not the type of person to cry unless I was alone and I hadn't cried tears like this. I felt like finally something had been broken within me. The chains that had been holding me were gone... I am free...

Yet there was more in the cage..more to break.. Another picture came into my mind of Satan lurking in the very corner of the cage and I knew that he was personified as the Huntington's Disease. The greatest fear I carried. Jesus stepped into the cage and shone his light inside and it was empty... It was gone all the fear... I cried again! 

It wasn't until after all this that Jan told me that we had gone through the door of fear. God had led me through almost immediately. In Sozo there are 4 doors, the door of fear, the door of hatred/bitterness, the door of the occult and the door of sexual sin. I visited all these doors but the biggest that God helped me overcome was the door of fear! Praise the Lord for freeing me and giving me life again! 

Who I was...Who I am now!

How I was saved by Jesus…

It all began with a marriage proposal…

Getting married is a time when we all begin to consider the past before we step into our future life. I was 18 years old when Jay and I decided to get married. I felt that many questions had been unanswered in my life.

I believed as a person I was totally faultless. I believed I was a good person. Sin to me was only what very bad people committed like murderers, adulterers and thieves. I didn't even fall into that category in my mind.

So I began to dig around in my life wanting desperately for all these questions to be answered before I married Jay. There was a restlessness in me, a stirring within my soul. I suddenly wanted to know things about myself that I had never even considered before.

My father was adopted when he was a baby.  I was unexpectedly conceived when my mum and dad were together. My Dad was strongly set against having child so it was decided by him that he was not to be a part of my life. Though I wasn't aware of it at the time this rejection had been at the centre of my life and influenced much of who I became as I grew into an adult. The future was looming before me, a future with the love of my life but something did not feel quite right…the past felt as though it was unfinished somehow. At the time I could not put my finger on the reason why I felt so incomplete.

Jay and I had started going to Church, the one where we decided to get married. It had been a long time since I had stepped into a Church yet as I kept going every weekend something began to revive inside me. There was an indescribable peace within the Church and all the congregation. I had gone to Church as a child because my mum had taken us. I was even involved in Sunday school for a while. However during the teenage years all that was forgotten and I was consumed by school and friends.

Before Jay had proposed to me in July 2011 I had begun to search for my Dad’s real family. He was completely unaware of the search as I knew that he would not want me to do so. By June 2011 I had found the family ironically through contacting a Church in the area my father was born. The Church had put an advert in their Parish Newsletter on my behalf and that advert was answered! I was amazed how quickly I had found them! With fantasies in my mind of my first meeting with my grandmother who was still alive I checked my emails every day waiting for a new message.

In the meantime in July 2011 Jay and I were engaged and were making plans to get married the following year. We had plans to meet with the Reverend Stephen in September 2011 to set a date for our wedding. Yet on the very day we were to meet him I had news that became the beginning of my transformed life…

Through a video call I discovered that my grandmother had Huntington’s disease. Huntington’s disease (HD) is an incurable genetic brain disorder. This meant I could have it. The chance was 50/50 and only a blood test could tell me the answer. I had to give my Dad the news that he also was at risk and he decided that he wanted to test for it. His test was in January 2012 and came back positive for HD. So I also went forward with testing and got my results in March 2012. I also came back positive for HD.

Suddenly my life had been broken into a million pieces. Yet what I did not know at the time that it was broken but was going to be rebuilt into a life that would surpass anything I had ever known before! Much happened in the time after my diagnosis, I nearly lost the love of my life and everything around me. My life had hastened into a moment of chaos and disorder. Yet God had plans for me, just as the caterpillar enters the dark empty chrysalis all alone, only to be transformed into a beautiful butterfly on emergence. That dark time for me, I was all alone, everything I had known had been shaken. It was as though a storm had passed through and suddenly in the eerie quietness after the storm I began to wonder why am I here?

I started to look for videos on the internet about God and began looking for answers to my questions and after what I believed to be just an insignificant curiosity, my answers began to get answered. In February last year I began to read the Bible from the very beginning. I began to pray to God.

Jay and I got married in January last year, we decided to get married on our own and really treasure that moment together. The first prayer I prayed was to ask God to provide Jay with a job. At the time Jay had been searching for a job for well over a year and could not find anything. He really wanted an apprenticeship in IT and had come out of college without being able to find one. I started praying in February last year, I knew it was so important to Jay and was even making him depressed.

In June last year I first felt the Holy Spirit come into my life. I went to a Church that offered a healing clinic. At the time I wasn't too sure about it but still something kept telling me to go. When I arrived there it was an older couple called John and Jenny who ran the clinic. They asked me why I had come and I told them everything that had happened. They placed hands upon me and prayed and prayed for healing in my life. Never before had I felt the feeling that instantly came over me during their prayers. I felt light headed and a strange deep warm fire-like feeling right in the core of my being. “Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit.  You should not be surprised at my saying, 'You must be born again.'  The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."

Since then I have come to know this feeling over and over again. This feeling is the Holy Spirit, it comes when I worship God, it comes when I pray and it comes when I read the Word of God… I asked Jesus into my life and I asked to be forgiven of all my sins. My relationship has been growing and growing with God and piece by piece my life has been rebuilt, “built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone”. The Lord is the foundations of my life now.

“Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock.  Though the rain comes in torrents and the flood-waters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock.  But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn't obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand.  When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.”

At the very end of June last year I first experienced God answering my prayer. I had prayed every day and sought others to pray for Jay about getting a job. He received an email asking him for an interview for an IT Apprenticeship the very next day. He went to the interview and within a couple of hours he was given the job! God provided for us! It wasn't just any job he ended up getting a job better than he could ever have dreamed of! It has opened so many doors in his life and has been a great blessing. "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.…

I have seen my prayers answered over and over. I've seen miracles and my life has been transformed. I have been born again and God has been healing every part of my life. Jesus knows all my faults and weaknesses and yet He loves me always...

Wandering...

As we set out for a walk on such a beautiful sunny day we had no idea that when we got onto the field our little dog Maggie would decide that she wanted an adventure! For many years we always kept Maggie on her lead as she was prone to scampering off on her own, however last year we finally trained her (with the aid of many biscuits!) to walk without the lead. She became very independent and often waited for us to walk ahead so that she could run to us and receive her treat of a yummy biscuit! 

On this particularly fine day Maggie was in one of her boisterous moods and held a particular interest in a pheasant whom yesterday she nearly caught. The pheasant had flown into the field full of rapeseed and she had attempted to follow it. Today though there was no pheasant but Maggie had not forgotten! We walked ahead as usual checking now and then that she was following, quite a large distance had formed between us when Mum turned around and Maggie had disappeared. Frantically we began to search the area for Maggie, calling her and trying to listen if she was whining. The yellow field was huge though and she could have been anywhere! For 20 minutes we searched and there appeared to be no sign of her. Just as quickly as she had disappeared mum had caught a glimpse of her coming out of the edge of the field and ran down to grab her. Maggie was safe! How glad and full of joy we were to see her! We put her back on the lead and that was the end of her adventure. 

This little story does have a point as it reminded me so much of how easy it is to wander from God. Something grabs our attention and we may diverge from God's path and quickly realise that we are no longer within His safe hands. We suddenly believe that we can be independent and do not need God's help anymore. However just like Maggie we quickly find ourselves lost and overwhelmed and desperately searching for the path back to the safety of God. 

In Matthew 18:12-14 it says, "If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them wanders away, what will he do? won't he leave the ninety-nine others on the hills and go out to search for the one that is lost? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he will rejoice over it more than over the ninety-nine that didn't wander away! In the same way, it is not my heavenly Father's will that even one of these little ones should perish"...The Lord never stops searching for us just as we did not stop searching for Maggie until we had found her. So let us be thankful today that God will always seek us out even if we wander and let us not allow distance to form between us and the Lord.

Proverbs 1:15 "My child, don't go along with them! Stay far away from their paths"...

Peace be with you always.

Testing times and Love...

I felt the need to write a blog today on my father. For a couple of weeks I have been having phone calls from his adoptive mother Kitty and she has been telling  me that she is struggling with my father. He was diagnosed with Huntington's disease a couple of months before me in 2012. As far as I was aware he was not diagnosed as symptomatic since 2012, however my adoptive has been saying for a while now that he has been growing worse. 

Before we knew about the HD I was already conscious that he has been struggling for a while now in his mind as he had become withdrawn, depressed and isolated but I hoped perhaps these were only very early symptoms of HD. Yet since 2012 his symptoms have progressed rapidly, during last year he has begun to show physical symptoms of chorea and has lost a huge amount of weight. I only know all this information because of what Kitty has told me over the phone. 

Since losing Nana (who I never got to meet) it seems that Dad has been getting worse in himself. Kitty doesn't know what to do with him or how to help him. He has unfortunately refused to go to the doctors so he is struggling without any help... 

I really feel today a great struggle within myself. This man who is called my father, a man I have never known, is gradually slipping away little by little. I unable to help him in any way, I am not allowed to see him or speak to him (these have been his wishes since I was born) and now more than ever I wish I could support him. 

1 Peter 4:8
"Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins"...

Love covers everything and my love for my father will always be there...

John 3:16
"For God loved the world so much that He gave His one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life"...

God loved the world so much that He gave His only Son!!! What greater love can there be than that?! I know that even though I cannot reach my father myself and show him my love, I will pray to God to be with him always.I know that God loves my father and He will help him through his suffering. 

God has taught me something important today - "Three things will last forever - faith, hope, and love - and the greatest of these is love"...

I will always love you Dad and my prayers are with you <3

Growing in my faith...

Yesterday was the beginning of Lent and I was trying to think of some way that I could challenge myself to grow closer to God. At the beginning of 2014 I made it my New Year's Resolution that I would spend more time with God...So instead of giving up something for Lent I have decided to take something on which is this blog! I have very much enjoyed blogging our IVF/PGD journey, it has helped me to grow in my writing and to document every special moment. 

My intentions for this blog is to write at least once a week something I have learnt about in my walk with God...

"Jesus spoke to the people once more and said, "I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won't have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life." ~ John 8:12